Celluloid Dreams

Ok. So I haven’t seen a film in what seems like eternity. Which explains why depression is fast setting in – coupled with the fact that we’ve a working Saturday in office (blasphemous! I say). The family decided to catch Heyy Babyy (let’s wreck the English language beyond recognition and add to our kids’ confusion!) last night – while I was slaving it out at work. Daughter loved it and made her mother proud by dancing on the seats when Shah Rukh made his ‘surprise’ entry and hogged the whole show in the process. Husband ate popcorn, nachos, veg roll, among other multiplex delicacies, dozed off when his mouth was not full, and finally gave his profound verdict: “It’s ok, but full of Bollywood clichés.” He’s an everyman critic with stock, monosyllabic expressions: “timepass” (any film with Govinda and one item number), “bakwas” (a film without songs, and of the painful, socially hyper-conscious variety), “hot” (fast-paced, perfect combo of sex and violence), “solid” (Don, Mr. Natwarlal, Muqaddar Ka Sikander or indeed any Amitabh Bachchan flick that nostalgically reminds him of his own ‘angry young man’ days).

Daughter’s cinematic vocabulary is still quite undersized – it begins with Hrithik Roshan (her first film outing was to see Koi Mil Gaya when she was just a year-and-a-half old, which explains this choice) and ends with Shah Rukh Khan (that’s genetically transmitted obsession). So, while at home, when she’s not watching Hannah Montana on the sly (she figured out how to switch channels in a flash to cover up her transgression) she’s devouring Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Kal Ho Na Ho and Main Hoon Na in rapid succession. Still floating in her woozy fantasy world, she then insists that we call her Anjali and that her father must play Rahul and give her a perfect hi-five. Last heard, she and her gang of girls (who already claim not to like boys!) were playing a new game called Chak De! on the building lawns.

Oh yes, we did watch Chak De! India, but that seems like a long time ago. Which reminds me, I’ve recently re-discovered an old quirk – crying copiously in the movies. Chak De!, with its rousing speeches (70 minute, sirf 70 minute hai tumhare paas) and underdog pitch proved to be tailor-made for catharsis. Before that, there was Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix which had me crying in despair – it flew right past my small, very limited brain and for two excruciating hours, took the charm out of cinema. Back in my childhood I’d wept profusely when I watched Amitabh Bachchan die in Dharmendra’s arms in Sholay. It’s my earliest memory of cinema and one that’s still vivid. I have a strong suspicion that Ramgopal Varma Ki Aag is going to revive that moment and induce a fresh crop of tears at the merciless marauding of my favourite Hindi film and the tragic descent into dementia of a filmmaker I’d thought held much promise. A decade ago, that is; nothing RGV has made post-Company has been of any interest. Yes, including the allegedly slick Sarkar, which I could have peacefully slept through but for the loud bullet-spraying bangs at regular intervals in the second half, which had my heart breaking into palpitations.

Fortunately, there’s still something to look forward to for the rest of the year, after RGV Ki Aag has come and gone, generated some debate (mostly fuelled by the director himself) and sank into oblivion. The Yashraj banner seems to have woken up from its long slumber (let’s see: Fanaa, Kabul Express, Tara Rum Pum, Jhoom Barabar Jhoom) and finally accepted that big stars can’t make great films without sensible scripts and directors with minds of their own. So there’s Pradeep Sarkar’s Laaga Chunari Mein Daag, followed by Anil Mehta’s Aaja Nachle which hold some promise. Ashutosh Gowariker’s Jodha-Akbar is scheduled to come up next, but I have a faint suspicion it might get delayed. Amitabh Bachchan candidly admitted on television last night that Aishwarya was no match for Rekha’s Umrao Jaan. Let’s hope she’s done slightly better with her take on Jodhabai! Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s Saawariya, meanwhile, has already announced itself with a poster that looks dangerously like Devdas revisited. The promos are grandiose of course, as Bhansali attempts yet another magnum opus in extra, extra slow-mo.And so the dream-machine chugs on….Deepa Gumaste

Critics and the Filmwallahs

Did anyone watch Koffee with Karan last week? Only by accident of course. I can't imagine why anyone would actually, purposefully sit down to watch this 'iconic' filmmaker giggle incessantly at his own daft jokes and take pot-shots at all those in the film industry he doesn't like (perhaps because they refuse to acknowledge his greatness) and poke fun at the media in general and film critics in particular, like he himself is the ultimate guide-book to 'authentic' cinema. His guests are mostly people who like Karan Johar (i.e SRK, Rani, Kajol etc) or those who are dying to work with him – read Shilpa & Shamita Shetty, Bobby Deol, John Abraham etc. There have been a couple of notable exceptions, of course. Like Hema Malini, who said it like it is and didn't gush over inane questions respectfully thrown her way. Or Richard Gere, who was delightful to watch as he made Karan squirm at the edge of his usually comfy sofa over questions about his views on the Tibet crisis or on world politics. Karan looked uncharacteristically tense as he mumbled 'hmmm', 'yes', 'of course' and tried to smile his way out of the situation.

A couple of months ago, Jaya Bachchan, featured on the same show next to Hema amma and questioned the very existence of film critics in this country before breaking into a 'Guddi' giggle. Then, there was Shilpa Shetty, fresh from her singular claim to fame (at last, she has some claim to fame other than her ancient fling with Akshay Kumar) 'Big Brother' and ranted about how unfair the Indian media had been to her while the British press was showering her with so much love and "positive vibes". What Ms. Shetty probably wouldn't like to accept is that the British media hadn't even heard of her till she accidentally won 'Big Brother', a reality show stuffed with wannabes and riff-raff, and therefore not something anyone in their right mind would be 'proud' to be associated with in any case. 

Ms. Shetty is supposed to be an actress by profession and has been around for the last 15 years. In all these years, one doesn't recall a single noteworthy performance given by her, with the possible exception of Revathy's 'Phir Milenge' where she seemed somewhat natural. And yet, she's always managed to make headlines because of her off-screen escapades. Now can you imagine what Shilpa Shetty's career would have been like if the media hadn't showered its benevolence on her?Imagine, even Bobby Deol doesn't like film critics. And since he was Karan's guest last week, alongside Preity Zinta, who fits in perfectly because her greatest cinematic achievement is the ability to giggle disarmingly at all times, he had to state his opinion about criticism from the media. Now realistically speaking, when was the last time anyone saw Bobby Deol 'act'? Seriously. His cousin Abhay has managed to do in just three years what Bobby couldn't in 13. And that must be the critics' fault, because while they unanimously shower praise on Abhay for his affable screen presence and his no-nonsense style of acting, they have summarily dismissed Bobby over all these years.

Meanwhile Aamir Khan has suddenly grown friendly on the media. Firstly, he needs to defend his land deal in Maharashtra by proving he's a farmer and secondly because after six long years, he's releasing the DVD of 'Lagaan'. Since he needs the publicity, he didn't mind doing a primetime half-hour show on Headlines Today (very boring, one might add) or giving an exclusive interview to CNN-IBN last week. The same Aamir had dismissed the media last year in an exclusive interview with 'Tehelka' magazine arguing that since the media lacks ethics, he had decided to stop speaking to them. Now either he's changed his mind about the media's ethical standards (which have slipped even further in the last 12 months, if such a thing were possible) or he's just exploiting his star status when it suits him.

Ditto for the Bachchan's and their bahu, who apparently wanted a 'private' wedding at home, but got the traffic police to bring all of Juhu to a standstill and then blamed the media for intruding on their personal lives. What's more, someone miraculously got hold of pictures of the newlyweds aboard Anil Ambani's private jet en route to Tirupati (must've been the pilot who leaked the pictures!), where they once again brought life to a grinding halt and forced other lowly devotees to languish in long queues while the lord gave them 'exclusive' darshan. Thank god no media channel felt it worth the effort to send a spy crew to Tahiti where the couple reportedly went for their honeymoon and mercifully, we've been spared the gory details thereof!

But seriously, why is the media obsessed with these filmwallahs in any case? Considering the ones who can act, don't generate much news. Those who can't find ingenious ways to stay put in the limelight, without actually doing anything (Shilpa Shetty can start a training academy for such aspirants when she's done opening restaurants and boutiques in London). And then guess what Karan's up to these days? After lampooning the media week after week in 'K with K', he's about to launch his own entertainment channel, where you can be sure, among other things, there'll be favourable reviews for KJo's films, and endless rounds of Koffeeing with Karan and his kronies….PS: For those who're interested in listening to a serious cinema aficionado talk about the art, read Naseeruddin Shah's column in 'Filmfare'.