Towards a Happy Ending...

By Vidya Bal

This is not a thought about death
It is a thought towards quality living.

Death is the last stop on the road of old age. 'Exit!' It's a sudden, permanent exit from worldly dealings and the business of life. If you continue on the metaphor of a journey, it can be said that, generally, we can't control or know when and where our life's journey begins. And perhaps, in the same way, we don't know when and where this journey will end, nor is it within our control. Even so, it is certain that every person who's born will die. The one thing that's inevitable and definite after birth is death. Despite this fact, we don't often think about death, nor very easily. We don't like to talk about it and generally avoid any discussion on the subject.

Today, however, I wish to speak about death. For the last 25/30 years I have been reading and talking about this subject. At that time I was about 50 years old, and today I am past 70. In a way, I feel I got introduced to this topic at the right time. V R Limaye of Sangli, sent me his own book 'Sanmanane Marnyacha Hakka' (The Right to Die with Dignity) as a gift. The idea of that tiny little book seemed very important to me. Thereafter, I continued discussing the issue with Mr. Limaye through letters and personal meetings. Since Mr. Limaye was ruminating and reading about this subject all the time, I got introduced to several books on 'willful death'. If he came across anything on the subject in newspapers around the world, he used to send me those clippings. Last year Mr. Limaye passed away. Since it was he who introduced me to this topic, and now that I feel even closer with it, keeping his memory alive, I feel like spreading his message with diligence to many. Therefore, it is my wish to draw the attention of those who are old, and more so, those who have not yet reach that stage.

At this time, there are many such 'old' people in our family or amongst acquaintances; those who can't move around on their own or their faculties are not functioning properly, or have an illness which causes great discomfort to them and their families; due to lack of manpower in the house, it is difficult to take proper care of them. There is a lack of finances to hire help to look after them. The house is not large enough to spare a room for them over a prolonged period. Due to all these circumstances, that person is somewhat neglected. Therefore she is hurt or angry.

Regardless of whether that person had behaved harshly, egoistically or selfishly with others in their younger days, or was very popular in the house, in the grip of this situation, neither can she live with dignity, nor can the family get enough strength to continue to behave affectionately and empathetically with such a person.

There are bound to be some exceptions who are able to surmount the stifling circumstances. One such example is that of Meena Gokhale's family (who looked after her Alzheimer's-affected mother for 14 long years). Yet, ordinarily, an old person in such circumstances wants to find a way to escape this predicament and to admit candidly and honestly, the family too is fed-up of this prolonged illness. When I see such people around, I start thinking to myself, "My god! I too can end up in this situation at any time." There's no point in denying what is today's reality. Hence it is necessary to think about it from this very moment, to accept it and to change our thinking and actions accordingly.

As I mentioned in the beginning, I was introduced to the idea of 'willful death' when I was about 50. Since then, as I started getting older and saw the intolerable suffering of old people around me, my ideas about this concept started getting clearer and firmer.

Today I am 73 years old. So far, I haven't had a serious ailment afflict my body. I am mobile. I am independent. My head is screwed in place. But this happy state can change suddenly or gradually. I can get anything from heart trouble, cancer, Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, to paralysis. And instead of thinking about "what to do" after something happens, I have done it while I am mentally and physically fit. So I have spoken or written down my wish that if any such thing happens to me, there should be no treatment given. I don't want to be operated for anything. I have no wish to continue living with the suffering of sickness, pain and dependence. I don't want others peoples' lives, money, time and establishment to get disrupted because of me or my illness. The good life I've lived so far is comfortable enough for me. I want it to end on the same note. It shouldn't be prolonged by artificial means. Especially, if due to an accident or some other reason, I go into a coma, I shouldn't be treated and should be helped to meet my end speedily. Stating one's desires in such a manner is called a 'living will'.

After the age of 60, the chances of illness increase. Hence I am proposing this thought for people beyond this age limit. I've given a sample draft of a 'living will' at the end of this article.

I don't believe this thought process means being afraid of illness. Rather, instead of facing illness and the circumstances which accompany it I would prefer to die. For this, I must express this wish, while I'm physically and mentally fit, to persons who are concerned with my death. I have to be able to convey to them the honesty behind my wishes. Once I identify the person who accepts my wishes and agrees to carry them out, I must give them the right to take decisions and implement them on my behalf. Again I want to reiterate that I am not suggesting this route for those who want to continue living with joy. Nor is it my intention to put pressure on people over the age of 60 to accept these ideas. I would not like to compel anyone. Nor do I have any right to do so. But this is an appeal to those who are thinking along similar lines or those who are wavering and can't make up their minds.

There is no legal sanctity to a 'living will' in our country. Suicide is a crime as per our laws. But a person who makes a 'living will', isn't committing suicide. A sick person's mind may drive her to suicide out of dejection. In this case we are talking about bidding adieu to life with a balanced mind. To stop treatment, or to not start treatment and take the path to inviting death willfully is rational thought. To achieve this it is necessary to have the co-operation between the person who is making the will, her family or any one person from the family and her family doctor. Its effectiveness or success depends on that.

Willful death is different from mercy killing. In the case of willful death, the individual herself takes a decision about her death, while in the case of mercy killing, it is a decision made by someone else. Besides thinking about willful death after the age of 60 is more a thought about living a quality life than about dying. Having faced life's small and big battles, taken good and bad experiences in your stride, this would be a decision to exit not with dejection or defeat, but bidding adieu after living a contented life.

Let's look at it this way -- we've had a full delicious meal. We've appreciated the food, burped in contentment and are ready to get up from the table. At that juncture the cook has put some more food on the plate, after hearing our words of appreciation and praise. So our stomach is now heavy and ready to burst. Instead of getting the pleasure of leaving the table at the right time, in economic parlance, the law of diminishing returns has now set in. The original experience of enjoying the food is lost. Similarly, in old age, there's a joy in dying while there's some joy in living.

Jo Roman, the author of 'Exit House' says just as you give finishing touches to a painting and are about to put down the brush, it is in such a state of mind that you should invite death. She had herself planned her death and bid goodbye to life in 1979. For this, three years before her death, she initiated a dialogue with her husband, son, daughter-in-law, daughter, son-in-law and some 300 friends. Because this thought wasn't just a personal experiment, but had social ramifications. It was her firm opinion that although an individual can't decide about her own birth, everyone should have the right to take a well-thought-out decision to end their life on a note of contentment. This is where the concept of willful death differs from suicide. A willful death is a thought about retaining the dignity of mind, body and life. It is not about running away from life, but about facing death.

Jo Roman finished the book 'Exit House' before she died. Not only did she delineate the concept of willful death in detail, but also emphasised the need to create a system for people who want to adopt this concept. Farewell House is the highest point of that system. This is a facility to ensure that willful death is beautiful, safe, and happens in joyful company.

Jo Roman drew a complete map of this Farewell House in her book. A map of the concept and the building itself. Basically, this Farewell House should have a supreme committee, comprising of doctors, psychiatrists, counsellors, advocates and people who have achieved respectability in society due to their own achievements. An individual who wants a willful death has to apply to this institution. Subsequently, if she is firm about her decision after a specified period of time, the facilities of the Farewell House will be made available to her. If, during this time, she changes her mind, or admits that she had taken the decision under duress, her application will be cancelled. If she needs any help about the disbursement of her wealth and assets or any other matter after her death, the Farewell House will make it available. Once her decision is made, she will be allowed to choose the surroundings in which she'd like to die. In that beautiful Farewell House, there will be several halls displaying the best paintings, wonders of nature and music. Plus there will be the option of enjoying the company of loved ones. Once everything is finalised, the concerned Farewell House will provide the individual with an 'exit pill', or an injection. This medication will be available only under the aegis of the Farewell House. V R Limaye too has propagated a similar concept of 'maha nirvaan'.

The concept of willful death can be one major support on the road to old age, though not the only one. There must be dialogue, discussion, debate on this subject. Jo Roman's book, 'Exit House' (publisher Bantam Books, 666 5th House, New York, 10103) should be procured and read. It is also important to read other books on the subject published around the world. It is also essential that young and old people interested in this concept should get together and discuss it. If, we reach a stage of evolvement where we can gift a book on this subject on a person's 40th birthday, it'll be a great day.

The Akshar sparsh library in Pune (020-25424915) stocks many robust books on the subject of a good death. Also, the Society for Right to Die with Dignity (022-22843416) is another institution operating in Mumbai.

Those who wish to discuss this article should write their name, address, telephone number and write to the office address of the magazine 'Miloon saryajani' -- 40 1/B, Bhonde Colony, Karve Road, Pune - 411004, Tel: 020-25433207. We can organise a meeting of like-minded people through such correspondence.

(Translated from a Marathi article published in the October-November 2009 issue of the magazine 'Miloon Saryajani' by Leena and Deepa Deosthalee)